“Joy; the kind of happiness that doesn’t depend on what happens.”
My journey with joy has been the friend that introduces me to other friends. It is the bridge from sorrow to fulfillment. It has a companion called gratitude. Our dear late Brother David Steindl-Rast created the site for grateful living.
“The root of joy is gratefulness…It is not joy that makes us grateful; it is gratitude that makes us joyful.”
This site has opened me up to the childlike wonder of the world around and within. Somehow the whole phrase to live with and without came to mind. To be able to embrace the loss as well welcome the abundance. You can truly find wholeness in both if you take a closer look. What is summer without the winter. What is winter without the summer. We need both the sun and the moon to live our lives. We can’t be awake all the time nor can we sleep the duration of our lives. It reminds me of the verse from Ecclesiastes 3:1-9.
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: 2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; 3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; 4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; 7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace. 9 What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth?
King James Version
To stay fully present in the now moment is nectar of life. To not look back in sorrow and not look ahead with fear. To be able to joyfully trust. Trusting in the Divine and receiving the joy that is there for the taking. We are allowed to be happy. We have full permission to be like a child again. It helps to see my Creator as a loving Mother/Father entity. For all around we see families. We are not meant here to be in our heads all the time and isolated. We are meant to share. Share our gratitude, joys, sorrows, rage, and feel free to move through the spectrum of emotions without judgement. If joy is an incubator what it’s producing may be strength. The have the endurance to live with all our personal power. To be able to trust in the supreme Power that generates all creation.
So, I encourage you to take your friends called joy, gratitude, trust, and strength. Know that you are very blessed and loved. Know that it all adds up no matter how absurd looking the equation.
I always find it an interesting question when people ask how it feels like to be this or do that. Well, to be honest, we or I don’t know any different. So, to ask “What does it feel like live with Borderline Personality Disorder?” It’s almost like asking someone, “What does it feel like to have dark brown hair?” Well, I wouldn’t know what it would feel like to have blonde hair or red hair. So, I can’t truly answer the question from that standpoint. What I can reveal is what I can think, feel, and perceive. Borderline or not.
Whenever I rush of creativity occurs or when I know there is major processing involved. It’s not the therapist’s number I reach for, nor is it a nice glass of wine or even chocolate. Nope, when I know major shifting is occurring it means lots and lots of writing. Yes, writing. Instead of running to alcohol to feel better, someone to feel close to skin to skin, or a number of distractions from what I’m feeling. I know writing can me be safest and most therapeutic release. In fact, the best.
Fortunately, there are friends out there that when I instantly am feeling something they are my sounding board. They help me keep my heart and head intact. Especially when my imagination wants to run the show. Also more importantly when my wild emotions that are a complete stranger to logic are running amok.
The page is the ultimate friend. It doesn’t need sleep or some space. Heck, it doesn’t expect anything of me which I love. No string attached. I must get to the point though.
So, with an experience. Several from my past. I can recall being so hopped up on a connection that I felt like energy was racing through my veins and despite the medication to help me sleep it was as if my body completely overrode it to have my emotions front and center. This beautiful person that I had just made love to was in my bed. They were lovely. Absolutely a fantasy come true. I also knew that it wasn’t going to be anything long lasting as well. Savoring every minute. Sacrificing sleep seemed like a small price to pay since that night and morning would be my last. How foolish I feel for wanting more. I knew from past experiences not to cling. In my heart I wanted to hold on. I also knew that if I started to attach then it would be over. The situation itself didn’t lend itself to an easy road ahead of us.
I’ve also had experiences where not only was it a short lived in the flesh. Also the majority of society as a whole wouldn’t approve. Some may even be repulsed due the fact that many teachings don’t encourage that kind of connection. A very unconventional connection to say the least. It really didn’t make any sense. To follow linear thought in this situation was basically impossible. We had skipped so many steps that it went from A to V in a matter of seconds. Yet, we knew each other for years. Maybe it was the anticipation of our union. Maybe it was the fact that our souls know each other. No matter how much I try to fight it. No matter how wrong it may be. The connection is unbreakable. I couldn’t break it. Not through self destruction. Like Kali I destroyed it entirely and then something new was born. Not even with the most earnest devotion of prayer could I break the bond. It still called to me.
What I’m trying to convey is that this heart and mind of mine has this intensity. Through my own self discovery and mastery I have found more balance. Having a constant grounding being beside me as my husband has helped me greatly as well. Husband or no husband I know that I’ve done all the work. I have all that bundled up fierceness of emotion but it’s much more controlled. I’m so grateful that I am now becoming more and more in tune with who I am.
For weeks now I’ve had this song be in my head and in my heart. The song “Feelings” by Hayley Kiyoko. The lyrics speak to me. Living as someone who is a sensitive. Someone who can feel emotions so acutely. It has taught me so much. I liked very much how someone had likened Borderline Personality Disorder. It’s like a third degree burn victim. When it comes to everything. Incredibly sensitive. What may seem like nothing to a non BPD is intense for someone who is.
With all the loves I’ve had in my life. Let’s just say that this burn victim has healed but can still remember the searing pain and pleasure of what it was like to dance in fire.
“Feelings” lyrics sung by Hayley Kiyoko
I walk through this world, just tryna be nice They say I’ll get hurt, if I’m not like ice I know I’ve got friends, I still get so lonely If I look in your eyes, I’ll want you to hold meI’m sorry that I care, care I’m sorry that I care, care It’s really not that fair, fair I can’t help but careI over-communicate and feel too much I just complicate it when I say too much I laugh about it, dream about that casual touch Sex is fire, sick and tired of acting all toughI’m hooked on all these feelings I know exactly what I’m feelin’ This love asylum, like an island, just me and you Spent the night, you got me high Oh, what did you do? I’m hooked on all these feelingsCaught up inside, both happy and lonely Keep telling me lies, they’re killing me slowly I get too attached, they don’t even know me Why can’t I relax? Why can’t I relax?I’m sorry that I care, care I’m sorry that I care, care It’s really not that fair, fair I can’t help but careI over-communicate and feel too much I just complicate it when I say too much I laugh about it, dream about that casual touch Sex is fire, sick and tired of acting all toughI’m hooked on all these feelings I know exactly what I’m feelin’ This love asylum, like an island, just me and you Spent the night, you got me high Oh, what did you do? I’m hooked on all these feelingsI know exactly what I’m feelin’ I’m sorry that I care, care It’s really not that fairI over-communicate and feel too much I just complicate it when I say too much I laugh about it, dream about that casual touch Sex is fire, sick and tired of acting all toughI’m hooked on all these feelings I know exactly what I’m feelin’ This love asylum, like an island, just me and you Spent the night, you got me high Oh, what did you do? I’m hooked on all these feelings
When I think of the word detachment I initially feel like it’s a lonely word.
To be detached from an outcome. In my personal life that is so hard for me to do. Especially when you’re in the medical field. Performance and the accuracy of what you are doing is a matter of life or death for a patient. To have that spaciousness and calm seems like a major shift. To be able to do with the most force and focus and then let go. How beautiful. How freeing. In that moment of release there you can find your wings. The lightness of being comes into play and in turn the demeanor is like a pleasant aroma. Attracting more good and more support.
For me, a way of healing is knowing that I’m going into the storm. Having my wings spread out and taking flight with the wind as a major player in my adventure. The wings are my faith and effort. The wind is the situation itself. The situation is always going to be the right one. No matter how my human mind perceives it. If I perceive it to be wrong Creator may perceive it to be perfect because Creator is perfect. It’s like the joke of why worry that I heard at Unity. In a nutshell. If it worked out why worry? If it didn’t work out why worry? We can go through so much inner turmoil by worrying about the outcomes. Even worrying about the situation itself. How much energy and destruction can we save ourselves if we just let go. By worrying we are unnecessarily draining out the energy within and destroying our health. Our bodies listen to our thoughts and emotions. If you had a constant time keeper it would be the body. It records everything. High vibrations heal and renew while low ones destroy. How much more could we be if we stayed high vibrational?
So, my life long quest is not to worry about the situations and outcomes. My mission is to raise my frequency and be the healer. Healer of myself and those around me. To let go and become friendly with the practice of detachment.
There is beauty in vulnerability. Especially when it’s raw honesty waiting for acceptance and validation. How my expectations hang in the air once the words hit the page. A vision as intangible as the air itself. It now has some kind of form. Now it can be read, felt and seen. My hope is to have someone feel everything that I am feeling. To embrace my stories whether they be in my blog entries or the fictional stories archived here. There is a strong desire to go into the depths of the heart, body, and soul. I pray that I’m strong enough to be able to write everything out bravely.
If I can’t say it in my blog that is deeply personal maybe I can say it through a story. Some aspects are fact and some fiction. Some are a perfect blend of the two. All I know is that I’m blossoming into the woman that I have always been but have been too afraid to show. There are many things that I may not be able to say out loud. However, by the power of authenticity my voice will be glorious and powerful through the written word.
For many decades I have been afraid to see myself honestly. All my decisions have been made with great love. Many made with someone else’s wellbeing in mind. I tried fitting myself into everyone else’s mold. Chaining myself to the impossible prison of perfection. So, what is left over? What is real? What does God truly want from me? In the end what matters? Over the years I have found that being completely honest with myself and showing up in my authenticity is what matters. Who am I to know what God thinks? Maybe He/She wants me to display all my colors unashamed. So the journey begins. Through the stories and entries my hope is to bloom beautifully. We only have a short time on this earth. I might as well be real. God, thank you for making me so multidimensional like a diamond. When light touches it colors display brilliantly for a moment. I’m taking that moment and treasuring it.
When the earth is ravaged and the animals are dying a new tribe of people shall come unto the earth from many colors, creeds, classes and who by their actions and deeds shall make the earth green again. They shall be known as the warriors of the rainbow.
Some people are born with a certain degree of self knowing and connectedness. Some have used the term woke. For me, I believe every day is an awakening not just one time event. There have been many experiences that have triggered me to awaken more and more. Before I knew about rainbow warriors, light workers, starseeds and ascension I knew internally. I felt differently from the world around me. I have always gravitated towards angels and do believe that Arch Angel Gabriel has watched over me from the spark of my conception and will continue to watch over me. I also believe that Jesus is my way-shower and that he leads by example. So shall I. I feel comforted knowing that I can call on him to protect and guide me. I also feel a bond with Mary his mother. She is one of my guides as well.
Every day I call on them. I know that they blend perfectly with my spiritual path. My spiritual path is a blend of Native American Shamanism and Christianity. I can’t have one without the other and it is not at all in odds with each other. The respect for mother earth, Gaia, I believe Jesus taught as well. Not only to care for people around but where we live.
For God was pleased to have his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.
We all are interconnected and like a rainbow we come with our unique spiritual signatures. Each signature comes with a vibration that could be likened to a color that falls in the spectrum of the rainbow. We are spirit incased in human form. We are light, sound, and flesh tethered to earth spinning in an infinite universe.
Daily I intend and do tune into the angelic nature of myself and also appreciate it in others. To be able to see people as earth angels, rainbow warriors, starseeds, children of God & Gaia helps me greatly to invite Love & Light in my life. My hope is to radiate that to others and share the abundance Creator has given. It all comes back to our Supreme Creator.
The season of failure is the best time for sowing the seeds of success.
Recently I have been meditating on the seeds I want to plant for this new year. The promise of spring is whispering in our ears. Even with the snow I know eventually it will melt and flowers will soon grow. During a ritual that was dedicated to the beginning of spring we focused on the seeds we want to plant. May it be one or several. One of mine that tied in nicely with a previous meditation is the seed of competence. I am moving forward not relying on the past to be my teacher but the present. There were many successes as well as failures in my past. What may seem negative or failure is actually the soil that my seed grows in. I bow my head in gratitude.
“I am capable.”
I am capable of confidence.
I am capable of joy.
I am capable of unconditional love.
So many additions to this sentence of being capable. That is exactly why I chose it. Knowing this one seed will sprout a tree that will bear even more seeds.