When I met her I was still overcoming my more pronounced insecurities. I also was dealing with rage and over-control. I had turned to it in order to compensate for lack of self-love. She quickly picked up on my struggle and wasn’t afraid of me. In fact, she did what she wanted. She would keep her eyes glued to you and it was almost like her soul said, ” I’m doing things my way. I also will be here for you no matter what. I’m one strong soul and don’t you ever forget it, honey.” Boy, was she! It took two years to really get to know her. The girl could eat! My type of lady. I love to eat too. However, her gut had other plans. Despite medications and the special diet she was on she still wasn’t successful in gaining weight. It was hard to see her not find the nourishment her body needed to fully do what it was made to do. I often times wonder how magnificent she would have looked if she hadn’t had the condition. She would have been glorious. Unfortunately, the girl was one of those girls that just was skin and bones practically. A walking skeleton. However, you couldn’t tell that she had been struggling so hard. Her spirit was so joyful and warm. Her resiliency is something to be admired and praised. How that lady jumped right back in after upsetting circumstances I think should be considered saint-like. She didn’t hesitate to make you feel wanted and her in your face “I’m here. You can’t ignore me” attitude was not subtle in the slightest. It’s a mixture of blatancy paired with the loving light touch. Thinking about that warms my heart and makes me smile. She was a class all her own and what a lady. I admire her authenticity and how she had a way of being her strong self and unapologetic. Her self assurance but gentle spirit is a quality I would like for myself. She taught me to be more nurturing and that my strength wasn’t through any kind of force. Not by trying to manipulate the situations as benign as I may seem. She could see right through them. Without missing any beats she knew when to jump in if I needed to give warmth and security. She also knew how to just walk off without saying a word but loudly saying, “Fuck you, I’m upset.” Laughs. She was great. She always came back after being angry. I honor her in this writing. She was definitely an angel in disguise. I wish I could have seen her full beauty. Not emaciated. Not throwing up everything she ate despite her voraciously eating food. By no fault of her own but her body simply giving out. You may wonder who she is. Well, she was one of the best friends a girl could ever ask for. I briefly got to be her mother. Her meows in the kitchen every morning and the way she was unmistakenly herself will be missed. I had to make a compassionate decision to end her suffering yesterday. I thank God my husband and mother were there in the vet’s office to help me say goodbye. I thank my best friend who made sure to come over and help me have fun. By fun it was talking, playing video games, and watching “Finding Nemo” while having snacks. I am determined to go about life as normal. I am going to laugh and be joyful despite the grief. I’m going to focus on the abundance. Her sister is still with me. I cherish that my princess is okay and seems to be well despite the vacancy in our lives. In fact, my princess doesn’t seem to be too bothered. She just does her thing and so will I.
It’s hard to let go of a friendship that had endured the test of time. It’s especially difficult when perhaps the reason for the dissolving of it could have been prevented if forgiveness was a focus. This friend had a way of getting me out of my shell and out having fun. She has an outgoing spirit and is a friend to everyone practically. When on her Facebook I noticed that she has many mutual friends that I have or seemingly random people that I know that is also connected to her. I guess you could say she was the popular girl that I was grateful befriended me. However, I have had a wound that was partially self-inflicted. Her popularity unconsciously had me hold onto a false belief that I wasn’t worthy of her time and attention. In the past, I have seen her have friends come and go. It was extremely painful to be dismissed for new friends. Friends that I knew brought many problems with them.
I could see how one was manipulative and had a victim mentality. I had tried to befriend her and even sent her to a therapist for help only to see her spiral downward. The other found her value in pursuing people solely for her pleasure. She was a taker. Both were toxic and it had colored my reality for many years. I’m sure they did that to her too. Most likely to the extreme. Now that I’m older and can see clearly how unhealthy those relationships were. I was fairly smart about staying away from these women but now that I can discern more I think I would have avoided them all together even if it meant the cost of my friendship with her at the time. Knowing how my friend handled things I know she would have made time for me even if I chose not to associate myself with those two women. At any rate, the so-called damage was done. I had developed a sort of complex. One that had me believing that I was insufficient. I wasn’t beautiful enough. I felt like the ugly friend. I also thought that because she didn’t socialize with me often that I was unworthy. Also, I must be boring to her since she didn’t seem to want to spend time with me. This being tested and proven. When asking her to have a short outing for coffee I would see on social media that she would socialize with those two women instead. A huge blow to my ego. So, with the accumulation of these experiences it didn’t lend itself to a good self image.
So now I’m taking responsibility for my insecurities, my unhealed wounds, and my words that had leaked out all that I had been struggling with for years. My head knows what to do in this situation but my heart has some catching up to do. The good news is that I have caught up for the most part. I have done activities that help promote healing. I have talked to a close friend that is non-judgemental and forgiving. To be able to express my frustration, loss and depression. The first few weeks of knowing that the friendship had indeed been lost were extremely hard. My husband was and continues to be a constant support. The first week I had let him know that I would be sad and not doing much. I had warned him that I would be taking a nap which basically meant that I would be going to bed early. I also warned him that I would have a glass of wine beside me. I basically had a glass of wine for several days and I also slept more than usual. After the first few weeks I had gotten back to sleeping normally and not wanting to feel like I wanted to cry all the time. In fact, I did cry one night over it. (I also stopped the daily glass of wine.) After feeling sorry for myself I got out. I went to a gathering of friends and made sure to bring my husband along. I also reunited with an old friend.
Focusing on happiness and the abundance that I already have. Basically focusing on the good. It has helped deepen my sense of gratitude. It also opened up my eyes more that along the path some friends will disappear from my reality for specific reasons. What those reasons are I may or may not know. All I know is that I have to let go in order to move forward. So, little by little I am growing and healing. I am accepting what is and knowing that I have good friends. I have enough. I am enough. I am worthy of true friendships. Friendships based on love, forgiveness, and full acceptance. I also know I can give that to my friends as well. So, I encourage anyone going through a fall out to reach out in self love and to focus on the abundance that is already in your life. Sometimes all we need is just one good friend. That friend in dark times can be yourself. Much Love and Light, Reina “Raven”
“When we give ourselves the chance to let go of all our tension, the body’s natural capacity to heal itself can begin to work.”Nhat Hanh
Currently listening to:
“Sweet Surrender” by Sarah McLachlan.
Followed by “White Flag” by Dido.
Wrapped up with “Surrender” & “Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)” by Hillsong United.
Esther Perel psychologist. Her main focus is couples therapy concerning sexuality and fidelity alongside building healthy family relationships.
Healing in Love
Healing takes so much time. The process is ever evolving and repetitive. Like a spiral that goes upwards. A constant revisiting of lessons with each passing round. Skills become more in tune. Even if it doesn’t feel that way. We have the capability to heal if we only call it forth. We have the ability to let go if we just surrender to it. Today’s word and image is surrender & white flag. We can find surrender in any situation in our lives. Surrender can look differently for each person and at different points in our lives.
In my own experience I have come down to some key elements that take on the need for healing. First off is fear, anger, anxiety, and followed by depression. The release from fear,anger, anxiety, and depression and into higher vibrational experiences first starts with surrender. It could take a millisecond or decades. The choice I know is up to me. I know and am experiencing the co-creation of the world as we know it with the Creator. Having others to help me see it is a key. So, the lower vibrations. What are the remedies? Ultimately it’s Love. The offshoots of love as an antidote for myself is joy,compassion,faith,and love. When I’m fearful I know joy is the expression of faith in the life force within and around. That is a form of letting go. Embracing joy. Compassion assists in soothing anger. If I’m compassionate towards my anger and the anger of others then it leads to healing. Faith. Faith helps me see what I can’t sense. Creator knows all and I don’t. I have to have faith in the unseen and know that all is in order and all is being experienced for the Highest Good. An orderly chaos if you will. laughs. At last Love. Breathes in a sigh of relief. Love. It’s the center point of it all. Need I say more? For that alone covers all and that alone is All. I AM that I AM. The Zero point energy field. The neutrality. That space. The experiencer. It’s beyond anything and yet it’s so close. It connects everything. It is everything. It’s source. The Divine…
With that connection and note I will close even though I want to say more. For some subjects just need to be lightly touched upon. I encourage you to ponder surrender and healing. For Love is beyond anything we can imagine. I hope you choose Love and the healing that is there for you in every moment.
May your journey be Light.
Remember, it’s a beautiful world, take a closer look, open up your heart and trust.Reina “Raven”
Video of Esther Perel with her Red Table Talk and Ted Talk.
Red Table Talk featuring Esther Perel on Facebook.
Ted Talk on You Tube featuring Esther Perel.
“You can’t rush your healing”
Song by Trevor Hall
(Thank you Big Brother Seth for introducing me to this song.)
The inspiring words that I channeled in my first YouTube video is still a constant reminder to myself and others.
“Remember it’s a beautiful world. Take a closer look. Open up your heart and trust.”
So many times the mind likes to twist and turn and make things out more than they ought to be. Now days I’m better equipped to handle what triggers may arise. I know to rush to the page and express. I know to bring out my paints and express that way. If none of these are handy I breathe. Sometimes others see the stress and remind me of the breath work I need to be doing. I see myself reflected in so many people. Sometimes when it comes to movies and plays I can see myself in the entire darn cast. Ha ha. There goes a writer and artist for ya.
Dreaming is my friend and not a complete check out. Sure, it’s a nice retreat but I remember the days when I would hug my cat Smoochie tight and let the world spin without me. In the past I would know better but it was as if I couldn’t help myself. Today after church I took a nap. I knew last night that I didn’t have enough sleep but I was restless and sleep seemed impossible. I did get a few hours but just a few. By the time I was done with church I knew to put myself down for a nap. In fact, I see myself as a child most of the time. Childlike and hopefully not childish. I can see my husband and I keeping it together as best we can. Sometimes when being myself and expressing by talking I can see his tolerance paired with anxiety. Yes, we will make it through the storm. It’s like a stab to the heart when I see that one look and the holding back. I can tell resentment is building or at the very least exasperation. I know the feeling well. I know everyone is entitled to their own feelings. When it comes to someone you love it feels as if someone just stabbed you in the heart. It even happens with coworkers and friends. Not to that intensity but it sure does hurt. I blame myself for feeling. I blame myself for my sensitivity. I know in my mind that it’s a gift. That this is much needed Light and Love in the world. I know God made me this way for a very specific reason. However, this shadow work or “Spiritual Homework” isn’t pleasant. In fact, it’s the poops. I know poop makes good fertilizer to the flowers that I grow. So, for every season there is a reason, right?
Enough babbling. What I’m trying to convey is that having the gift of empathy and sensitivity can sometimes kick into over drive. The triggers that are like trucks just side swiping me off the road I was on. It seems unreasonable and a huge blockage. Behind every blockage I know wrapped into it is the blessing. I’m the kind of person that has an active mind and a deeply feeling heart. I’m also creative and have kind of like an ADHD personality. Whether that is technically true it doesn’t matter. I light candles to keep the soul’s flame lit. I light candles for anyone who needs hope.
Hope is an ingredient to life. I wish more people would give it credit. This week I was faced with revisiting old wounds. On Friday, I believe if memory serves me correctly—the day I got the instant message. A friend of mine had unknowingly asked about a friend that had died in 2015. I had to take a step in my courage and growth to tell my friend of the suicide. My dear friend, Marilyn,back in 2015 died of suicide. I knew it was the disease that took her. I also had to deal with my own suicide attempt because of the guilt and shame I had surrounding my not so wise decisions. I thought dying would be the price to pay like in old Jewish law. I couldn’t see my way out of the darkness at the time. Luckily, others held space for me. Luckily, the Creator held space for me. I was carried. Jesus my Way Shower, Savior, Big Brother and —–the ultimate hippie bad ass healer in my opinion was there the whole time. Lol. Mother Mary was there the whole time. My Holy Father was there the whole time. My husband was there the whole time. My cats were there the whole time. My family and friends were there the whole time. I took for granted their love and support. I had to learn self love. I had to learn radical forgiveness. I had to learn to let go of everything. To be honest, I’m relearning these lessons revisiting Marilyn’s death and my suicidal ideation. To top it off I found out my big sister and unofficial mentor, Alesha,lost her first husband to suicide the following Friday. So, the last workday of the last week I was hit with old wounds. Then on Friday I was hit with the grief of my friend losing her 1st husband. No one and nothing is against you. Everything is for you. Yes, I had to relearn the value of life and the drive to keep going.
This week I cried to my boss to be completely honest. Before talking to my boss I had listened to music by my locker. I ate icecream in the only retreatable place–the bathroom. I cried on the bathroom floor. Picked myself up. With sunglasses on I sat by a tree and let Mother Earth aka Gaia sooth me. I had to tell my boss that I’m going to be seeing a therapist and at the risk of seeming incompetent let her know I was unsure about being able to go back to the floor helping patients that day. She is a wonderful soul. She intuitively knew to let me rest and the next day I was back and ready to work. This week I haven’t been much fun for my husband because of my shadow work. This week I grieve with a friend for her beloved first husband. This week I have been barely hanging on. However, here is the good news. It’s a brand new week! We have our whole lives to appreciate life and it’s many things to offer. You know what I value the most? Love. Inner and outer light. The sun’s rays against my face. The Love I know is all around me even when I can’t feel it or see it all the time. I know it’s there.
Stay strong my dear beautiful souls. We all are just traveling through this universe of universes.
Much Love, Light, and Hope,
Living beyond the external.
Hello my friends,
It’s been a while since I’ve put my thoughts down on virtual paper. The subject is sovereignty. Today I witnessed a conflict. It seemed like it could easily escalate. Before escalation I decided to act. In good faith I called the local authorities. My hope is that this family heals and repairs the broken communication and relating to each other. This is putting it mildly. I hope the situation itself is mild. My fear is that harm would be done. I stood up for this little one. On the outer it looks like this little one may be on the receiving end of abuse. However, I don’t know the situation and it may have very well been tempers that were lost in every position. The child was screaming as well as well as the two adults. Whatever the case my hope and prayer is that things will be healed and repaired. It’s hard to know exactly what to do in any given situation in order to serve the Highest Good. What I mean by Highest Good is basically Love. For me, God is Love. Source. So, whatever is in alignment with the Light of Love. The truth of Love. Love itself. To me this word is such a slippery thing. We can be aware of it but to actually know it is open to interpretation.
After that incident I started thinking about our personal sovereignty. What we allow in our lives. So much that is external conditions us to allow a lot of what we truly don’t want. Fear and other unhealthy attachments can cloud our clarity and give us these bizarre reasons not to act in our and others highest interests. So, this is the thought and question of the day. What are you doing to claim your sovereignty in the aim of the Highest Good?
Thank you my friends for reading. Take care.
Love, Light, and Truth,
Reina aka Raven Reina