Cooking: The process of unknowns

Today I had dived into cooking an anti-inflammatory recipe. Why? Do you ask. Physically speaking I have a thyroid disorder and I thought eating this way may help. I have been meditating for several years. One way for me of meditating is doing the Deepak Chopra and Oprah 21 day Meditations. Deepak Chopra being an Endocrinologist had suggested in one of his meditations the benefits of anti-inflammatory foods. That had sparked my interests. I’ll list the link below for the most current (at this time) 21 day mediation. It has helped me so much in my growth. I have been working on mindfulness for more than a decade. For at the least two to three years I have been going beyond mindfulness and meditation and started the process of journeying. From my perspective and what I have learned so far is that journeying is meditating with a very specific goal in mind to access your higher self and guides. It may not be for everyone but it is for me. I have always been drawn to Shamanism and the depths—the belly if you will of God. Now, this is just one perspective on such a broad thing. Just like cooking spirituality has so many flavors and styles. With tastes and flavors it still accomplishes one thing. To be fed. To be the fuel.

From past experience I knew not to rush ahead and grab the ingredients and start. I read and reread the directions. Even during cooking I had to backtrack and see if what I read was correct. I was adding spices and cooking the meat. While mixing things together and trying to time things just right I kept wondering how it would turn out. In the past my anxiety would spike and I would be flattened out with this overwhelming sense of deficiency. In fact, I had cried while trying to measure because I wasn’t measuring up in my own eyes. I had thought I didn’t measure up in my husband’s eyes. I had thought how stupid I am that I can’t even cook for him. It became a spiral downward. I noticed that I wasn’t spiraling today. In fact, I kept on making magic with food. It awakened me to the notion that over the months and years I have become stronger. I kept on following the directions despite my apprehension. I wasn’t focused on how horrible I was. I was focused on the food and the process.

I have chosen not to have children. My two female cats are my children. I joked with them how popular I became once I brought out the chicken. The cat I have had longer is the most vocal. She had hopped on the chair pleading to have a bite. I reassured her that I would cook a plain portion of chicken just for them. I instantly thought how it’s kind of like heaven in my eyes. There is abundance to be had but it has to be filtered and processed before it can arrive. The order is in. My girls had to wait for their food. How often do we as humans plead when the Universe is cooking us up exactly what we want. (Or at least as close to it as possible.)

Some of you may be wondering how my dish turned out. Well, my Chicken Tika Masala with chickpeas tasted very good. However, I could have cooked the chickpeas longer. That was the only drawback. Instead of focusing how it wasn’t right. I just turned it around still acknowledging the error. I thought to myself how it added texture and crunch. It wasn’t all that bad. The beautiful thing about my husband is that he without missing an opportunity hugs me after every meal I cook. It doesn’t matter how fancy or ordinary. He knows a hug means so much. He knows holding me is practically like saving me and holding me together. That way of thanks creates a feeling of appreciation to me. Being acknowledged that way keeps me soaring. I am my own cheerleader of course but it’s nice to know that my partner in life appreciates all the effort that is put into presenting the fuel for our bodies. It’s also nice to know that Holy Spirit fuels us as well. Holy Spirit listens to us and delivers what we need and want. In fact, I was reflecting on the gratitude in my heart for the abundance of blessings I’m bestowed on a daily basis while walking to my car after work.

Remember, that we live in a beautiful world, take a closer look, open up your heart and trust.

Blessings,

Reina “Raven”

References & Links:

Book: Clean Cuisine Cookbook: 130+ Anti-Inflammatory Recipes to Heal your Gut, Treat Autoimmune Conditions, and Optimize Your Health by Ivy Ingram Larson & Andrew Larson MD

  • I apologize for not being able to underline the book. I have yet to learn now to use all the features here.

Link to Deepak’s 21 Day Meditation: https://chopracentermeditation.com/?_ga=2.156257339.1289427273.1551417248-711756256.1551417248&sso_code=eyJpdiI6IjVaMG9kQlVPOEcxdTNSeStwR2JqdHc9PSIsInZhbHVlIjoiU0wxXC91blwvNUZtQmZHUzRHZForWEZTejlYemtpbEZoNjRSWFM0ZzNBaDNOeEZHbGtxR0VYRWhMdHQyNHd6SEdta1VZc3pYSUlieWM3RmN0OCszSXc5QTdOTk83d3FqUEJ2VHBwejhFN3lxbz0iLCJtYWMiOiJmMzgyYmFiN2FlOWUyNzIwZTA0OTczM2FlNDAyMjY1MTNhZDBlYWQzYWJmOTFmZGNhYTcwMTlkMzlmOGU2NTIyIn0%3D

Borderline

I always find it an interesting question when people ask how it feels like to be this or do that. Well, to be honest, we or I don’t know any different. So, to ask “What does it feel like live with Borderline Personality Disorder?” It’s almost like asking someone, “What does it feel like to have dark brown hair?” Well, I wouldn’t know what it would feel like to have blonde hair or red hair. So, I can’t truly answer the question from that standpoint. What I can reveal is what I can think, feel, and perceive. Borderline or not.

Whenever I rush of creativity occurs or when I know there is major processing involved. It’s not the therapist’s number I reach for, nor is it a nice glass of wine or even chocolate. Nope, when I know major shifting is occurring it means lots and lots of writing. Yes, writing. Instead of running to alcohol to feel better, someone to feel close to skin to skin, or a number of distractions from what I’m feeling. I know writing can me be safest and most therapeutic release. In fact, the best.

Fortunately, there are friends out there that when I instantly am feeling something they are my sounding board. They help me keep my heart and head intact. Especially when my imagination wants to run the show. Also more importantly when my wild emotions that are a complete stranger to logic are running amok.

The page is the ultimate friend. It doesn’t need sleep or some space. Heck, it doesn’t expect anything of me which I love. No string attached. I must get to the point though.

So, with an experience. Several from my past. I can recall being so hopped up on a connection that I felt like energy was racing through my veins and despite the medication to help me sleep it was as if my body completely overrode it to have my emotions front and center. This beautiful person that I had just made love to was in my bed. They were lovely. Absolutely a fantasy come true. I also knew that it wasn’t going to be anything long lasting as well. Savoring every minute. Sacrificing sleep seemed like a small price to pay since that night and morning would be my last. How foolish I feel for wanting more. I knew from past experiences not to cling. In my heart I wanted to hold on. I also knew that if I started to attach then it would be over. The situation itself didn’t lend itself to an easy road ahead of us.

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I’ve also had experiences where not only was it a short lived in the flesh. Also the majority of society as a whole wouldn’t approve. Some may even be repulsed due the fact that many teachings don’t encourage that kind of connection. A very unconventional connection to say the least. It really didn’t make any sense. To follow linear thought in this situation was basically impossible. We had skipped so many steps that it went from A to V in a matter of seconds. Yet, we knew each other for years. Maybe it was the anticipation of our union. Maybe it was the fact that our souls know each other. No matter how much I try to fight it. No matter how wrong it may be. The connection is unbreakable. I couldn’t break it. Not through self destruction. Like Kali I destroyed it entirely and then something new was born. Not even with the most earnest devotion of prayer could I break the bond. It still called to me.

What I’m trying to convey is that this heart and mind of mine has this intensity. Through my own self discovery and mastery I have found more balance. Having a constant grounding being beside me as my husband has helped me greatly as well. Husband or no husband I know that I’ve done all the work. I have all that bundled up fierceness of emotion but it’s much more controlled. I’m so grateful that I am now becoming more and more in tune with who I am.

For weeks now I’ve had this song be in my head and in my heart. The song “Feelings” by Hayley Kiyoko. The lyrics speak to me. Living as someone who is a sensitive. Someone who can feel emotions so acutely. It has taught me so much. I liked very much how someone had likened Borderline Personality Disorder. It’s like a third degree burn victim. When it comes to everything. Incredibly sensitive. What may seem like nothing to a non BPD is intense for someone who is.

With all the loves I’ve had in my life. Let’s just say that this burn victim has healed but can still remember the searing pain and pleasure of what it was like to dance in fire.

Feelings

“Feelings” lyrics sung by Hayley Kiyoko

I walk through this world, just tryna be nice
They say I’ll get hurt, if I’m not like ice
I know I’ve got friends, I still get so lonely
If I look in your eyes, I’ll want you to hold meI’m sorry that I care, care
I’m sorry that I care, care
It’s really not that fair, fair
I can’t help but careI over-communicate and feel too much
I just complicate it when I say too much
I laugh about it, dream about that casual touch
Sex is fire, sick and tired of acting all toughI’m hooked on all these feelings
I know exactly what I’m feelin’
This love asylum, like an island, just me and you
Spent the night, you got me high
Oh, what did you do?
I’m hooked on all these feelingsCaught up inside, both happy and lonely
Keep telling me lies, they’re killing me slowly
I get too attached, they don’t even know me
Why can’t I relax? Why can’t I relax?I’m sorry that I care, care
I’m sorry that I care, care
It’s really not that fair, fair
I can’t help but careI over-communicate and feel too much
I just complicate it when I say too much
I laugh about it, dream about that casual touch
Sex is fire, sick and tired of acting all toughI’m hooked on all these feelings
I know exactly what I’m feelin’
This love asylum, like an island, just me and you
Spent the night, you got me high
Oh, what did you do?
I’m hooked on all these feelingsI know exactly what I’m feelin’
I’m sorry that I care, care
It’s really not that fairI over-communicate and feel too much
I just complicate it when I say too much
I laugh about it, dream about that casual touch
Sex is fire, sick and tired of acting all toughI’m hooked on all these feelings
I know exactly what I’m feelin’
This love asylum, like an island, just me and you
Spent the night, you got me high
Oh, what did you do?
I’m hooked on all these feelings

Detachment

 When I think of the word detachment I initially feel like it’s a lonely word.

To be detached from an outcome.  In my personal life that is so hard for me to do. Especially when you’re in the medical field. Performance and the accuracy of what you are doing is a matter of life or death for a patient. To have that spaciousness and calm seems like a major shift. To be able to do with the most force and focus and then let go. How beautiful. How freeing. In that moment of release there you can find your wings. The lightness of being comes into play and in turn the demeanor is like a pleasant aroma. Attracting more good and more support. 

 For me, a way of healing is knowing that I’m going into the storm. Having my wings spread out and taking flight with the wind as a major player in my adventure. The wings are my faith and effort. The wind is the situation itself. The situation is always going to be the right one. No matter how my human mind perceives it. If I perceive it to be wrong Creator may perceive it to be perfect because Creator is perfect.  It’s like the joke of why worry that I heard at Unity. In a nutshell. If it worked out why worry? If it didn’t work out why worry? We can go through so much inner turmoil by worrying about the outcomes. Even worrying about the situation itself.  How much energy and destruction can we save ourselves if we just let go.  By worrying we are unnecessarily draining out the energy within and destroying our health. Our bodies listen to our thoughts and emotions. If you had a constant time keeper it would be the body. It records everything. High vibrations heal and renew while low ones destroy. How much more could we be if we stayed high vibrational?

So, my life long quest is not to worry about the situations and outcomes.  My mission is to raise my frequency and be the healer. Healer of myself and those around me. To let go and become friendly with the practice of detachment.

Authenticity blooming

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There is beauty in vulnerability. Especially when it’s raw honesty waiting for acceptance and validation. How my expectations hang in the air once the words hit the page. A vision as intangible as the air itself. It now has some kind of form. Now it can be read, felt and seen. My hope is to have someone feel everything that I am feeling. To embrace my stories whether they be in my blog entries or the fictional stories archived here. There is a strong desire to go into the depths of the heart, body, and soul. I pray that I’m strong enough to be able to write everything out bravely.

If I can’t say it in my blog that is deeply personal maybe I can say it through a story. Some aspects are fact and some fiction. Some are a perfect blend of the two. All I know is that I’m blossoming into the woman that I have always been but have been too afraid to show. There are many things that I may not be able to say out loud. However, by the power of authenticity my voice will be glorious and powerful through the written word.

For many decades I have been afraid to see myself honestly. All my decisions have been made with great love. Many made with someone else’s wellbeing in mind. I tried fitting myself into everyone else’s mold. Chaining myself to the impossible prison of perfection. So, what is left over? What is real? What does God truly want from me? In the end what matters? Over the years I have found that being completely honest with myself and showing up in my authenticity is what matters. Who am I to know what God thinks? Maybe He/She wants me to display all my colors unashamed. So the journey begins. Through the stories and entries my hope is to bloom beautifully. We only have a short time on this earth. I might as well be real. God, thank you for making me so multidimensional like a diamond. When light touches it colors display brilliantly for a moment. I’m taking that moment and treasuring it.