I invite you to imagine cleaning your house. You’re busy mopping your floor and not thinking or wanting anything in particular. You just need to finish mopping so you can go on to another chore. Suddenly the doorbell rings. You find it strange because you haven’t invited anyone over and are unaccustomed to having spontaneous visitors.
You open a door to see someone with a mop, bucket, broom, vacuum cleaner and a carpet cleaner. She barges in telling you that your mop is not up to par and that hers is the ideal. While she proceeds to take items one by one into your house she lists all the reasons why hers is the best. She also explains that your mopping technique wasn’t great either and that she can teach you the correct way to mop a floor. She proceeds to take away your mop and use hers on your floor. You have to admit that she isn’t wrong while you see how high tech and efficient her supplies are. Still you are shocked how she somehow barged in and now you have no clue as to usher her out along with all her things. When you try to go onto the next item on the list which is vacuuming she rushes over and scolds you for not using hers. She practically bumps you out the way with her body by elbowing you along with her whole body. After the second lecture she allows you to vacuum. You start to think that she must be right in all her decisions and that you have been doing this whole thing wrong. By the end of the night you are thanking her for barging in your house like she did since you now have a clean house. In fact, now you are cleaning your house in the correct fashion and start to think you owe her. So you give her money. It leaves you confused but you dismiss it.
Okay, so, this scenario is a bit much but it begs to ask you how this relates to boundaries. How often do we allow these types of people to run all over you. Not only that but are convinced that they must be right. Also, have you caught yourself allowing them to have too much space in your life?
I admit I had fear of conflict be the reason why I allowed a breach in my boundaries. I still am working on having strong compassionate boundaries.
Some of the key components to creating boundaries for myself have been consciousness, self compassion, courage and honest communication. Without them the inner balance is thrown out of alignment.
It starts with being aware that you have allowed someone or yourself to cross a line that you didn’t want crossed. It could be that you ate that high calorie and sugary snack instead of the healthy option one day. So, you had trampled on a boundary towards yourself when it came to being healthy. It could be allowing someone to talk longer than you feel comfortable for fear of rejection. You may be afraid of coming off as rude and insensitive if you had set a limit. The awareness of being in a compromised position is needed in order to create better boundaries.
When a boundary has been disrupted I have to remind myself to be compassionate with myself. I have another day to practice my skills in compassion and honoring my wishes.
Whenever I am creating a boundary it’s scary. It’s scary to think that I may lose someone’s favor by standing up for myself and letting them know that it’s not okay with me. I don’t think many people like being viewed negatively. Also some people may conclude that you are not the same person that they knew. Yes, you may be mistaken for a mean person by setting a boundary. It’s a risk but well worth the risk for your wellbeing. When you have practiced you are in a sense a different person. The confidence in setting them and sticking to them has grown. Insecurities are replaced by confidence and strength.
Honest communication. It takes guts to be honest. It’s not easy. However, if you are dishonest with yourself and others then you are robbing yourself and others of seeing the truth of what you want and who you are. For example, if I don’t set a boundary with someone dear to me than I’m robbing them of an opportunity to treat me better and getting to know my preferences. Let’s say I agree to go to a certain movie with someone that is scary and suspenseful. Those aren’t my types of movies but I go to be friendly and nice to this person. After the movie I feel traumatized and I don’t let this person know. They don’t have a firm grasp of how I’m a gentle soul and avoid fear based movies. That I enjoy peace, beauty and laughter. I rob us of a potential enjoyable evening by possibly seeing a different movie. This really happened with an ex boyfriend of mine. I realized we could have created a better memory if I had the courage to speak up. It doesn’t have to take massive amount of effort to say no. However, back then it did. In fact, now that I think about it. It took more energy to accommodate him than it did to simply say no to the movie. If you’re curious the movie was “The Saw” and I am ashamed to have watched it. I don’t like even feeling connected to such a low vibration. Fear is one of the lowest vibrations out there. Fear is a subject for another blog.
There is video I would like to list at the end of this entry if you are interested in learning more. It’s a YouTube video by Terri Cole that has a very similar flavor to my foundation of drawing boundaries. It was partly inspired by her but also my foundation has been tested and proved to be effective in my life. So, I encourage you to explore how you set the stage for boundaries in your life. I hope to hear from you and see boundaries through your eyes.
I wish you all the best in your journey to more self love in the form of setting boundaries and sticking to them.
With much Love,
“Remember, it’s a beautiful world. Take a closer look. Open up your heart and trust.”Reina
Terri Cole’s YouTube Video. She has great resources on your channel as well as your website. She is also on Facebook and Instagram. She speaks to my soul and has helped me grow stronger in setting limits in order to create more self love. Enjoy.