“You can’t rush your healing”
Song by Trevor Hall
(Thank you Big Brother Seth for introducing me to this song.)
The inspiring words that I channeled in my first YouTube video is still a constant reminder to myself and others.
“Remember it’s a beautiful world. Take a closer look. Open up your heart and trust.”
So many times the mind likes to twist and turn and make things out more than they ought to be. Now days I’m better equipped to handle what triggers may arise. I know to rush to the page and express. I know to bring out my paints and express that way. If none of these are handy I breathe. Sometimes others see the stress and remind me of the breath work I need to be doing. I see myself reflected in so many people. Sometimes when it comes to movies and plays I can see myself in the entire darn cast. Ha ha. There goes a writer and artist for ya.
Dreaming is my friend and not a complete check out. Sure, it’s a nice retreat but I remember the days when I would hug my cat Smoochie tight and let the world spin without me. In the past I would know better but it was as if I couldn’t help myself. Today after church I took a nap. I knew last night that I didn’t have enough sleep but I was restless and sleep seemed impossible. I did get a few hours but just a few. By the time I was done with church I knew to put myself down for a nap. In fact, I see myself as a child most of the time. Childlike and hopefully not childish. I can see my husband and I keeping it together as best we can. Sometimes when being myself and expressing by talking I can see his tolerance paired with anxiety. Yes, we will make it through the storm. It’s like a stab to the heart when I see that one look and the holding back. I can tell resentment is building or at the very least exasperation. I know the feeling well. I know everyone is entitled to their own feelings. When it comes to someone you love it feels as if someone just stabbed you in the heart. It even happens with coworkers and friends. Not to that intensity but it sure does hurt. I blame myself for feeling. I blame myself for my sensitivity. I know in my mind that it’s a gift. That this is much needed Light and Love in the world. I know God made me this way for a very specific reason. However, this shadow work or “Spiritual Homework” isn’t pleasant. In fact, it’s the poops. I know poop makes good fertilizer to the flowers that I grow. So, for every season there is a reason, right?
Enough babbling. What I’m trying to convey is that having the gift of empathy and sensitivity can sometimes kick into over drive. The triggers that are like trucks just side swiping me off the road I was on. It seems unreasonable and a huge blockage. Behind every blockage I know wrapped into it is the blessing. I’m the kind of person that has an active mind and a deeply feeling heart. I’m also creative and have kind of like an ADHD personality. Whether that is technically true it doesn’t matter. I light candles to keep the soul’s flame lit. I light candles for anyone who needs hope.
Hope is an ingredient to life. I wish more people would give it credit. This week I was faced with revisiting old wounds. On Friday, I believe if memory serves me correctly—the day I got the instant message. A friend of mine had unknowingly asked about a friend that had died in 2015. I had to take a step in my courage and growth to tell my friend of the suicide. My dear friend, Marilyn,back in 2015 died of suicide. I knew it was the disease that took her. I also had to deal with my own suicide attempt because of the guilt and shame I had surrounding my not so wise decisions. I thought dying would be the price to pay like in old Jewish law. I couldn’t see my way out of the darkness at the time. Luckily, others held space for me. Luckily, the Creator held space for me. I was carried. Jesus my Way Shower, Savior, Big Brother and —–the ultimate hippie bad ass healer in my opinion was there the whole time. Lol. Mother Mary was there the whole time. My Holy Father was there the whole time. My husband was there the whole time. My cats were there the whole time. My family and friends were there the whole time. I took for granted their love and support. I had to learn self love. I had to learn radical forgiveness. I had to learn to let go of everything. To be honest, I’m relearning these lessons revisiting Marilyn’s death and my suicidal ideation. To top it off I found out my big sister and unofficial mentor, Alesha,lost her first husband to suicide the following Friday. So, the last workday of the last week I was hit with old wounds. Then on Friday I was hit with the grief of my friend losing her 1st husband. No one and nothing is against you. Everything is for you. Yes, I had to relearn the value of life and the drive to keep going.
This week I cried to my boss to be completely honest. Before talking to my boss I had listened to music by my locker. I ate icecream in the only retreatable place–the bathroom. I cried on the bathroom floor. Picked myself up. With sunglasses on I sat by a tree and let Mother Earth aka Gaia sooth me. I had to tell my boss that I’m going to be seeing a therapist and at the risk of seeming incompetent let her know I was unsure about being able to go back to the floor helping patients that day. She is a wonderful soul. She intuitively knew to let me rest and the next day I was back and ready to work. This week I haven’t been much fun for my husband because of my shadow work. This week I grieve with a friend for her beloved first husband. This week I have been barely hanging on. However, here is the good news. It’s a brand new week! We have our whole lives to appreciate life and it’s many things to offer. You know what I value the most? Love. Inner and outer light. The sun’s rays against my face. The Love I know is all around me even when I can’t feel it or see it all the time. I know it’s there.
Stay strong my dear beautiful souls. We all are just traveling through this universe of universes.
Much Love, Light, and Hope,