Borderline

I always find it an interesting question when people ask how it feels like to be this or do that. Well, to be honest, we or I don’t know any different. So, to ask “What does it feel like live with Borderline Personality Disorder?” It’s almost like asking someone, “What does it feel like to have dark brown hair?” Well, I wouldn’t know what it would feel like to have blonde hair or red hair. So, I can’t truly answer the question from that standpoint. What I can reveal is what I can think, feel, and perceive. Borderline or not.

Whenever I rush of creativity occurs or when I know there is major processing involved. It’s not the therapist’s number I reach for, nor is it a nice glass of wine or even chocolate. Nope, when I know major shifting is occurring it means lots and lots of writing. Yes, writing. Instead of running to alcohol to feel better, someone to feel close to skin to skin, or a number of distractions from what I’m feeling. I know writing can me be safest and most therapeutic release. In fact, the best.

Fortunately, there are friends out there that when I instantly am feeling something they are my sounding board. They help me keep my heart and head intact. Especially when my imagination wants to run the show. Also more importantly when my wild emotions that are a complete stranger to logic are running amok.

The page is the ultimate friend. It doesn’t need sleep or some space. Heck, it doesn’t expect anything of me which I love. No string attached. I must get to the point though.

So, with an experience. Several from my past. I can recall being so hopped up on a connection that I felt like energy was racing through my veins and despite the medication to help me sleep it was as if my body completely overrode it to have my emotions front and center. This beautiful person that I had just made love to was in my bed. They were lovely. Absolutely a fantasy come true. I also knew that it wasn’t going to be anything long lasting as well. Savoring every minute. Sacrificing sleep seemed like a small price to pay since that night and morning would be my last. How foolish I feel for wanting more. I knew from past experiences not to cling. In my heart I wanted to hold on. I also knew that if I started to attach then it would be over. The situation itself didn’t lend itself to an easy road ahead of us.

Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com

I’ve also had experiences where not only was it a short lived in the flesh. Also the majority of society as a whole wouldn’t approve. Some may even be repulsed due the fact that many teachings don’t encourage that kind of connection. A very unconventional connection to say the least. It really didn’t make any sense. To follow linear thought in this situation was basically impossible. We had skipped so many steps that it went from A to V in a matter of seconds. Yet, we knew each other for years. Maybe it was the anticipation of our union. Maybe it was the fact that our souls know each other. No matter how much I try to fight it. No matter how wrong it may be. The connection is unbreakable. I couldn’t break it. Not through self destruction. Like Kali I destroyed it entirely and then something new was born. Not even with the most earnest devotion of prayer could I break the bond. It still called to me.

What I’m trying to convey is that this heart and mind of mine has this intensity. Through my own self discovery and mastery I have found more balance. Having a constant grounding being beside me as my husband has helped me greatly as well. Husband or no husband I know that I’ve done all the work. I have all that bundled up fierceness of emotion but it’s much more controlled. I’m so grateful that I am now becoming more and more in tune with who I am.

For weeks now I’ve had this song be in my head and in my heart. The song “Feelings” by Hayley Kiyoko. The lyrics speak to me. Living as someone who is a sensitive. Someone who can feel emotions so acutely. It has taught me so much. I liked very much how someone had likened Borderline Personality Disorder. It’s like a third degree burn victim. When it comes to everything. Incredibly sensitive. What may seem like nothing to a non BPD is intense for someone who is.

With all the loves I’ve had in my life. Let’s just say that this burn victim has healed but can still remember the searing pain and pleasure of what it was like to dance in fire.

Feelings

“Feelings” lyrics sung by Hayley Kiyoko

I walk through this world, just tryna be nice
They say I’ll get hurt, if I’m not like ice
I know I’ve got friends, I still get so lonely
If I look in your eyes, I’ll want you to hold meI’m sorry that I care, care
I’m sorry that I care, care
It’s really not that fair, fair
I can’t help but careI over-communicate and feel too much
I just complicate it when I say too much
I laugh about it, dream about that casual touch
Sex is fire, sick and tired of acting all toughI’m hooked on all these feelings
I know exactly what I’m feelin’
This love asylum, like an island, just me and you
Spent the night, you got me high
Oh, what did you do?
I’m hooked on all these feelingsCaught up inside, both happy and lonely
Keep telling me lies, they’re killing me slowly
I get too attached, they don’t even know me
Why can’t I relax? Why can’t I relax?I’m sorry that I care, care
I’m sorry that I care, care
It’s really not that fair, fair
I can’t help but careI over-communicate and feel too much
I just complicate it when I say too much
I laugh about it, dream about that casual touch
Sex is fire, sick and tired of acting all toughI’m hooked on all these feelings
I know exactly what I’m feelin’
This love asylum, like an island, just me and you
Spent the night, you got me high
Oh, what did you do?
I’m hooked on all these feelingsI know exactly what I’m feelin’
I’m sorry that I care, care
It’s really not that fairI over-communicate and feel too much
I just complicate it when I say too much
I laugh about it, dream about that casual touch
Sex is fire, sick and tired of acting all toughI’m hooked on all these feelings
I know exactly what I’m feelin’
This love asylum, like an island, just me and you
Spent the night, you got me high
Oh, what did you do?
I’m hooked on all these feelings

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s